Why Boundaries at work feel so hard and why they matter more than ever.
I believe the ability to set and hold boundaries is a critical leadership skill. Learning how to do it takes time and intention. Read on to discover why boundaries are important, why they feel so hard and what the best practical ways to set and enforce them is.
When I returned to work after having my first child, I thought I’d set myself up well.
I’d agreed a new schedule: start an hour earlier, finish an hour earlier. Skip the traffic, get home early and spend some quality time in the evenings at home with my new baby.
I was happy with it. My manager was happy with it.
I could not for the life of me stick to it.
I felt so visible walking out of the door at 4pm. It felt like I was working a perpetual half day.
I accepted meetings at 4pm, I checked emails at home.
Whilst work was completely fine with my new hours. I was not.
In hindsight, my post maternity leave return-to-work experience wasn’t about hours at all.
It was all about both permission and boundaries.
Giving myself permission to respect and honour my own boundaries. Permission to leave when I said I would. Permission to be seen doing work differently. Permission to disappoint people occasionally.
Whilst I couldn’t have put the label of boundaries or permission on my problems 13 years ago, today I know this to be exactly what I was struggling with.
And I see other ambitious women struggling with them all the time.
So Why Do Boundaries Feel So Hard?
Because they ask you to prioritise yourself . . . and that isn’t something we are particularly good at or something that feels particularly natural.
Women generally want to be seen as helpful, not difficult. Saying no can feel like a betrayal of the expectation that many girls at a young age are taught, to be both accommodating and people pleasing.
Women worry that setting and holding boundaries will be read as a lack of commitment. It can be a struggle to balance visibility and performance with boundaries. How do you show ambition when leaving “early”?
It can also be hard when you look around and struggle to point to female role models working different hours from everyone else or successfully enforcing their own boundaries.
Do they really matter?
Actually yes, hugely. I would rate the skill of setting and holding boundaries as one of the top 5 differentiators for women actually succeeding in leadership. They are about creating the conditions you need in order to show up and perform well. Not just today, but consistently over and over again.
When boundaries slide, it rarely looks dramatic. But it is the small things that add up.
Saying yes to something you really don’t have capacity for
Letting meetings or your day run late, again
Putting your personal commitments second, then third, then last
To be clear none of these things are inherently bad but when it becomes your default role it can drain energy from the work you are actually paid and positioned to do. And if we are being totally honest they can steal your joy - you can come to resent your work and those you work with.
What’s worse - if they happen over a prolonged period of time they can also begin to reshape how other people expect you to operate.
The cost is subtle, but it adds up. You lose time, clarity, sleep, confidence and the mental space needed to make strategic decisions.
So How Do You Actually Start Setting Boundaries?
It starts with a re-frame. A boundary isn’t “I’m refusing . . . ”. A boundary is “I’m choosing. . ”. Its a commitment to something you value.
Its important to get super clear on why your boundaries are important. I had a child at home, and even that took me some time to figure out. It might be your family, your wellbeing, fairness, balance, opportunity. What you value will be personal to you.
Once you are clear on that, and what setting and holding a boundary will give you, here are a few starting points that work in the real world:
Up front -
Communicate your boundaries - I started making sure everyone knew I finished at 4pm. I even told new starters - “hey if you need me I’m here between 7 and 4”. This was a great way to ensure they knew about me personally but I found it actually set a really nice tone, particularly for new female joiners to hear that the company allowed returning mums to figure out what worked for them and flex away from the norm.
In the moment there are a few tips and tricks to making this work -
1. Add a pause before responding
When someone asks for something, train yourself to say: “Let me check what’s realistic and come back to you.”
You don’t have to answer straight away. You are far more likely to re-direct work when you don’t give an immediate response.
2. Protect one small block of non-negotiable time.
Even one protected hour a week builds the muscle. It doesn’t matter what you do with it, its the fact it is yours that is important.
3. Set a capacity line
Try: “I can do X, but not X and Y. What’s the priority?”
4. Redirect work that isn’t yours
Instead of absorbing it, say: “That sits better with that team. Let’s bring them in.”
5. Hold the boundary once
The first time is always the hardest.
After that, it becomes easier - for you and for everyone around you.
6. Minimise the apologies.
“I understand why you’ve asked but I can’t take that on. I’ve got my own deadlines. I could do a 30 minute brainstorm on how this could be completed if that helps, to get you started? Or you could ask your leader which of these should be your priority”
Boundaries as Leadership
One of the biggest shifts I made after that return-to-work period was understanding that boundaries aren’t selfish. They are essential.
And what’s more i’ve sat in numerous interviews for leadership positions where the discussion by the panel post interview has been “I’m not sure they would cope with this role; I’m not sure they know how to say no”. The fact is people with boundaries are the ones being promoted in to leadership positions, not those without them.
They create clearer expectations, more sustainable workloads, healthier team dynamics, better decision-making and they result in a stronger leadership presence.
People don’t need you to be endlessly available. They need you to be effective and boundaries make that possible.
One final call out, boundaries should work over time - but you might not win each and every day. Some days you have to stay late, you have to take the project on even when at capacity - but this should’t be the norm. Which means when it happens its serious, and its noticed.
At the end of the day, your time is your own - you control it. I realised work had given me permission, so what on earth was I doing not rushing home to be with my son.
Helping the next generation with this
Footnote - women of my generation struggle with this a lot! So if we are in the position to influence the next generation, we should. A few ideas if you can -
use age appropriate language to explain what a boundary is “a boundary is an invisible line that protects your time, energy or feelings”. Normalise it as a healthy part of relationships.
Model setting boundaries - say no politely, take time for yourself. Have them see you do this.
Encourage them to express what they need - “I need it to be quiet to finish my homework” “I don’t want to play right right now”. Validate that this is ok, so they learn their needs matter.
Practise saying no - I even do role plays with my kids! Lets practise what saying no might sound like, whether that is handling peer pressure or negotiating for something. Letting them rehearse their response builds confidence.
Celebrate success when they have set and held a boundary - “hey I saw you said no to a play date today because I know you like Fridays at home to relax after the week. Well done for putting yourself first”.
Giving young women permission to set and hold boundaries early means we are helping them grow in to confident capable leaders who value their own time, their own energy and their own voice. They learn their needs matter and they stop tying their value to being liked. Boundaries teach them that they can disappoint someone and still be good, still be loved and still be worthy. That is real confidence - the kind that isn’t dependent on approval.
Imagine the future full of women who do this. Now that is something I could get on board with. . . .