Why Boundaries at work feel so hard and why they matter more than ever.
I believe the ability to set and hold boundaries is a critical leadership skill. As a women’s leadership coach, I see every day how challenging this can feel, even for ambitious, capable women who want to grow in their careers. Learning how to set boundaries takes time and intention. Read on to discover why boundaries are important, why they feel so hard, and the most practical ways to begin strengthening them in your working life.
When Boundaries Slip: A Story from My Own Return to Work post Maternity Leave
When I returned to work after having my first child, I thought I’d set myself up well.
I’d agreed a new schedule: start an hour earlier, finish an hour earlier. Skip the traffic, get home early, and spend quality time with my new baby.
I was happy with it. My manager was happy with it.
And yet - I could not for the life of me stick to it.
Walking out at 4pm made me feel visible in a way I couldn’t quite articulate. It felt like I was working a perpetual half day. I accepted late meetings. I checked emails at home. Whilst work was completely fine with my new hours. I was not. Looking back, it wasn’t really about hours at all. It was about boundaries and the internal permission required to honour them.
Giving myself permission to respect and honour my own boundaries. Permission to leave when I said I would. Permission to be seen doing work differently. Permission to disappoint people occasionally.
Whilst I couldn’t have put the label of boundaries or permission on my problems 13 years ago, today I know this to be exactly what I was struggling with.
And I see other ambitious women struggling with them all the time.
So Why Do Boundaries Feel So Hard?
Boundaries feel hard because they require you to prioritise yourself, and many women were never taught how to do that with confidence.
Here are the real reasons boundaries can feel uncomfortable:
1. Wanting to be seen as helpful, not difficult
Saying no can feel like letting someone down.
2. Fear of being judged as less committed
“How can I show ambition if I leave early?”
“How do I balance visibility with realistic limits?”
3. Lack of role models holding healthy boundaries
It’s difficult to enforce professional boundaries when you rarely see others doing it - especially in male-dominated environments.
4. The pressure to over-perform
Even when workplaces allow flexibility, many women still feel guilty taking it.
Women generally want to be seen as helpful, not difficult. Saying no can feel like a betrayal of the expectation that many girls at a young age are taught, to be both accommodating and people pleasing. Women worry that setting and holding boundaries will be read as a lack of commitment. It can be a struggle to balance visibility and performance with boundaries. How do you show ambition when leaving “early”? It can also be hard when you look around and struggle to point to female role models working different hours from everyone else or successfully enforcing their own boundaries.
Why boundaries matter more than ever
Do they really matter? Actually yes, hugely! I would rate the skill of setting and holding boundaries as one of the top five differentiators for women succeeding in leadership.
Boundaries create the conditions you need to perform sustainably - not just today, but over time. When boundaries slip, the impact is subtle but cumulative:
Taking on work you don’t have capacity for
Letting meetings run late
Putting your personal commitments last, then last again
Allowing the day to expand beyond what’s reasonable
A lack of boundaries can drain your energy, reduce clarity, erode confidence, and affect your work life balance. Over time, it also teaches others to expect more than is fair or healthy. Effective leadership requires you to create the conditions you need in order to show up and perform well. Not just today, but consistently over and over again.
How to start setting boundaries
It begins with a re-frame. A boundary isn’t “I’m refusing.” A boundary is “I’m choosing.”
It’s a commitment to something you value.
It is important to get super clear on why your boundaries are important. I had a child at home, and even that took me some time to figure out.
Once you know what you’re protecting - your wellbeing, your family time, your focus, your effectiveness - here are practical ways to begin setting your boundaries:
1. Add a pause before responding
When somebody asks for something, train yourself to say: “Let me check what’s realistic and come back to you.” You don’t have to answer straight away. You are far more likely to re-direct work when you don’t give an immediate response.
2. Protect one non-negotiable block of time
Even one protected hour a week builds the muscle. It doesn’t matter what you do with it, its the fact it is yours that is important.
3. Set a capacity line
“I can do X, but not X and Y. What’s the priority?”
4. Redirect work that isn’t yours
Instead of absorbing it, say: “That sits better with that team. Let’s bring them in.”
5. Hold the boundary once
The first time is the hardest. After that, everything shifts. It becomes easier - for you and for everyone around you.
6. Minimise the apologies
Warmth doesn’t require over-explaining:
“I understand why you’ve asked but I can’t take that on. I’ve got my own deadlines. I could do a 30 minute brainstorm on how this could be completed if that helps, to get you started? Or you could ask your leader which of these should be your priority”
These are foundational skills in effective leadership - not just tools for survival.
When boundaries slip (because they will)
When boundaries slide, it rarely looks dramatic. But it is the small things that add up.
Saying yes to something you really don’t have capacity for
Letting meetings or your day run late, again
Putting your personal commitments second, then third, then last
To be clear none of these things are inherently bad but when it becomes your default role it can drain energy from the work you are actually paid and positioned to do. And if we are being totally honest they can steal your joy - you can come to resent your work and those you work with.
What’s worse - if they happen over a prolonged period of time they can also begin to reshape how other people expect you to operate.
The cost is subtle, but it adds up. You lose time, clarity, sleep, confidence and the mental space needed to make strategic decisions.
Your time is your own.
Your energy is your own.
And you have the right to protect both.
Boundaries will slip. Even the most seasoned leaders lose hold of them during busy seasons.It doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It simply means you’re human - and that something in your environment, energy or workload needs attention.
As a women’s leadership coach, I often describe resetting boundaries as “going again with clarity.” You don’t have to rebuild everything from scratch. You just need to start where you are. Here’s how to do that with compassion and intention:
Here’s how to reset gently and confidently:
1. Notice what’s changed
Start by observing what’s been happening without judgement. Have you been saying yes automatically, staying later, or letting your work life balance slide? Awareness is the first step back to effective leadership.
2. Reconnect with your why
A boundary protects something important - your energy, your focus, your wellbeing. When you remember what it gives you, it becomes easier to honour. This is the work I return to often as a women’s leadership coach.
3. Make one small correction
You don’t need a complete reset. Choose one boundary to reintroduce this week - leaving on time once, pausing before saying yes, or protecting a short block of focus time.
4. Communicate it simply
A boundary doesn’t need a lengthy explanation. Try: “I’m resetting a few professional boundaries, so I won’t be available after X time.”
Clear, calm, and confident.
5. Hold it once
Hold the boundary just once. That single moment builds proof that you can “go again,” even after a slip. From there, it becomes easier.
Resetting isn’t about perfection. It’s about returning to yourself and choosing again - with intention, clarity and self-respect.
Boundaries as leadership behaviour
One of the biggest shifts I made after that return-to-work period was understanding that boundaries aren’t selfish. They are essential.
And what’s more I’ve sat in numerous interviews for leadership positions where the discussion by the panel post interview wasn’t capability - it was whether the candidate could say no! I’ve heard (and said) “I’m not sure they would cope with this role; I’m not sure they know how to say no”. The fact is people with boundaries are the ones being promoted into leadership positions, not those without them.
Leaders without boundaries burn out quickly. Leaders with boundaries create stronger teams, clearer expectations, and better decision-making.
People don’t need you to be endlessly available. They need you to be effective.
Remember: boundaries should work over time but you might not win each and every day. Some days you have to stay late at work, you have to take the project on even when at capacity - but this shouldn't be the norm. Which means when it happens it's serious, and it's noticed by the right people.
At the end of the day, your time is your own - you control it. I realised work had given me permission, so what on earth was I doing not rushing home to be with my son.
Helping the next generation build healthy boundaries
Women of my generation have struggled with this for years. If we are in the position to influence the next generation, we should. A few ideas if you can -
Use age appropriate language to explain what a boundary is “a boundary is an invisible line that protects your time, energy or feelings”. Normalise it as a healthy part of relationships.
Model setting boundaries - say no politely, take time for yourself. Have them see you do this.
Encourage them to express what they need - “I need it to be quiet to finish my homework” “I don’t want to play right right now”. Validate that this is ok, so they learn their needs matter.
Practise saying no - I even do role plays with my kids! Lets practise what saying no might sound like, whether that is handling peer pressure or negotiating for something. Letting them rehearse their response builds confidence.
Celebrate success when they have set and held a boundary - “hey I saw you said no to a play date today because I know you like Fridays at home to relax after the week. Well done for putting yourself first”.
Giving young women permission to set and hold boundaries early means we are helping them grow in to confident capable leaders who value their own time, their own energy and their own voice. They learn their needs matter and they stop tying their value to being liked. Boundaries teach them that they can disappoint someone and still be good, still be loved and still be worthy. That is real confidence - the kind that isn’t dependent on approval.
Imagine the future full of women who do this. Now that is something I could get on board with. . . .