Why self compassion is a leadership skill women often lack - yet is absolutely essential if you want to progress far in your career.

I believe compassion - both for self, and for others - is a critical leadership skill. I also believe that women often have some way to go to master it.

To be clear, we mostly show up with compassion for others by the bucketload, where we fall down is showing that same level of compassion to ourselves.

Compassion by the literal definition means “to suffer together”.  It is that feeling that arises when you are confronted by another human suffering and feel compelled to try and do something to relieve it.

Self-compassion simply means to treat yourself in the same way as you would treat someone else.

My experience coaching women has taught me that we are often brutal with how we talk to ourselves, yet would never dream of talking to someone else in the same way.

There is a version of low self-compassion that isn’t harsh, and for a long time, that was my version. I was never particularly negative towards myself, I didn’t walk around thinking I wasn’t good enough. But I had a constant belief that I could and should do more. Whatever I achieved never felt enough. I would reach a milestone and immediately set the next one. I didn’t pause, let alone celebrate. It wasn’t criticism, but it was relentless self pressure. For quite a while I thought that self pressure was what helped me hit the career milestones that I did, in reality it meant I never felt satisfied, I never really felt proud.

Learning to be self compassionate for me meant recognising that I deserved to feel good along the way, not just at the finish line at the very end of my career.

Why does self compassion matter so much?

It matters for a whole host of different reasons and its impact is far greater than perhaps most of us realise.

1. Practising self-compassion reduces the constant self-criticism that over time chips away at your confidence, your clarity and ultimately your courage.

2. It can protect you from burnout - literally acting as a psychological buffer. Self compassion can give you permission to be human - to rest, to pause, to breathe. Which means you can sustain high levels of performance without burning out.

3. It improves resilience. Being kind to yourself isn’t the opposite of being resilient, it is the mechanism that actually builds resilience. When something goes wrong, those who can allow some self-compassion are the ones that bounce back faster because they aren’t wasting time and energy on shame, replaying detail after detail, over and over again.

4. It makes you a stronger leader. Leaders who lack self-compassion tend to micromanage, are terrified of making mistakes and can be defensive. They can be the mood dj’s setting the tone for a team or an office and their emotions can make them unpredictable. Whereas leaders who practise self-compassion tend to be far more even keel. Calmer responses in difficult moments, clearer and more consistent communication, healthier boundaries. Self compassion actually creates psychological safety for you and everyone around you.

5. It is so foundational for wellbeing. Your mental health, your emotional health . . . even your physical health - it all improves when you speak to yourself with understanding and kindness. Just like you would speak to others.

So why do women find it so hard?

It is complex, but at its core is the fact that so much of the conditioning that we experience from a young age has taught us to deprioritise ourselves. Our environments and our lived experience have all built that conscious (or unconscious) belief that our needs should come after everyone else’s. Self compassion is a direct challenge to that messaging.

For some, self compassion can feel like lowering the bar, it can feel indulgent even.

With the lack of female role models in leadership at some organisations, it can be hard to see women above you at all, let alone women above you showing themselves some grace and some compassion.

So how do we learn to do something that we have been actively and intentionally steered away from, for our entire lives?

Fortunately, its a skill, like a muscle and you can build it with intention.

1. First up, you need to become aware of how you actually talk to yourself - in moments that matter the most.  Do you show up for yourself as you would for your best friend, or for a child?

2. You then need to validate how accurate what you are saying to yourself is, is it the truth, is it helpful? Self compassion doesn’t mean pretending that everything is fine, but it does mean being able to recognise and voice the truth about a situation. Crucially, you don’t have to be cruel with your assessment, you just have to be honest.

3. Next up, figure out what you need and then go about meeting your own needs. Ask yourself, what do I need right now? Is it rest? Is it reassurance? Is it to be heard?

4. Be kind to yourself, and accept that perfection is unlikely (at best!). You will get things wrong, you will struggle. But how you build resilience is responding in those moments with kindness.

5. Seek out compassionate role models. Seeing other women speak to themselves kindly and still perform brilliantly can be super empowering.

6. Last up, repeat, repeat, repeat. Self compassion becomes a habit the same way everything else does, repetition. It’s a muscle, and you strengthen it every time you speak to yourself with kindness instead of criticism.

Worth noting, you don’t become self-compassionate overnight (or at least I’ve never seen it happen). You become self-compassionate by deciding over and over again to treat yourself like someone who matters. And from there, meaningful change becomes possible.

As always, I like to leave a note about the next generation. Compassion - both for self and for others, is one of the most powerful things you can teach the girls and young women in your life.

• Let them see you speak to yourself with kindness; how you respond once you have made a mistake is something they will likely take as their own learned response too.

• Show that mistakes are normal; its part of learning not failing.

• Model apologising when needed, and being able to move on without undue shame, or criticism of yourself.

• Be compassionate with them, so that their inner voice learns to speak the same language.

We grow far more by understanding ourselves, than by being hard on ourselves. That lesson will shape how they lead, how they navigate challenge and how they show up in the world.

Imagine a future full of strong, competent female leaders able to show themselves the compassion they deserve. I’m totally here for it and it all starts with who we are raising today.