Community & network - why women supporting women changes everything

I’m just going to put it out there - I absolutely love a female community. Whilst I have spent my entire working life surrounded mostly by men, I find spending time with women so  . .. nourishing? Affirming? Both of those things and more? Yes . . . although in all honesty until I sat down to write this I probably wouldn’t have been able to find either of those words in the moment. Yet they are both absolutely accurate.

The definition of nourishing is something that replenishes you - emotionally, mentally or physically.  Something that leaves you feeling fuller, stronger, more supported and more resourced than before. You could say it restores your energy and that I can definitely identify with.

Affirming on the other hand is described as something that validates you - your experiences, your feelings, identity or worth. It is a word that describes feeling seen and understood in who you are.

I mean those are literally spot on definitions for how spending time in strong female company makes me feel.

Women are socially conditioned to connect, we lean more naturally to a place of collaboration. In male dominated environments, work can feel isolating. Community reduces that. It can provide emotional support, practical guidance and honest feedback.

I have been very lucky to find a couple of nourishing communities of females and I am so grateful to each and everyone of them. I cannot underestimate the part they have played in the success I have seen in my career (and indeed my life!).

So how do you build or find a female community?

As with all good things, you need to be super intentional.

There are a few different avenues for this, and honestly I would follow them all to start with.

1. Join existing women focussed spaces - either online or in person. Look out for internal ERG’s at work, or industry specific women’s groups, coaching circles or women in leadership networks. Research options local to you and then try a few and see how you get on.

2. Start with one women - reach out to a woman you respect at work and say “fancy a coffee? I’d love to connect and share how we are both getting on. I could do with a different perspective on a couple of things . . . “. I’ve never known anyone say no to an invitation like that. One women becomes two, then three and suddenly you’ve formed a network.

3. Create your own small circle - if the space you want doesn’t exist - create it. It could be a monthly breakfast, a quarterly supper club, a WhatsApp group, a walking group . .  the structure does’t matter and I wouldn’t over think it. When women come together they can generally find something to talk about. You might want to set the first one up with a brief intro to set the tone and intention but it can be super light touch. “Thanks for joining me, I’m so glad you are all here. Creating this space was important to be because [insert your reasoning here, could be something like - I know how valuable spending time in the company of like minded ambitious women can be . . .”]

4. Spend time in spaces out of your usual bubble - think a workshop (on any topic you love!) a retreat, a book club, anywhere women gather intentionally. Proximity builds connection and connection builds a community.

Whatever your route in is, be honest - honesty creates connection and from there community. You don’t have to open your heart and soul day 1, but showing some vulnerability will likely help others to open up too. Always be generous if you can, recommend someone for something, share a resource, be quick to praise and congratulate, check in . . . what you put out there is what you will get back.

Keep the communication going - a community needs something to sustain it, it is a rarely a one off. It doesn’t need to be formal, it just needs to be consistent.

Make it safe - the best communities for women work because they are judgment free, collaborative, confidential, supporting and generous. Create a space where they can be themselves and feel good and they will keep coming back.

There is a natural attraction to like minded women - ambitious, funny, resilient, honest, when you show up as yourself the right women will recognise you as one of their own.

What does women supporting women actually look like in practise?

It is rarely big grand gestures, it is more about the day to day that makes a difference.

1. Amplify each other voices in meetings. I was often one of only a few women in the room and I would love it when another women would say “I want to build on Em’s point”. Giving me the credit I deserve whilst also building on my point.

2. Sharing opportunities - sharing a job link, nominating someone for a project or a stretch assignment, in effect opening doors that for many women aren’t yet open.

3. Speaking someone’s name in a room they aren’t in yet. Never underestimate how powerful mentioning a women at the right moment can be “she’d be brilliant for that”. Advocacy and sponsorship matter!

4. Calling out bias - no matter how subtle it was or how hard it might be. “I’m not sure she was finished speaking”, “I think that was actually her idea . . .” you don’t need to dwell on it, you don’t need to name it, but a calm, confident and consistent approach will make a difference over time.

5. Celebrating each other - not a quiet well done, but shouting about her achievements to anyone that will listen.

6. Encouraging boundaries - check out my other blog for more detail on this but I’m a firm believe boundaries are critical. Make sure people are holding theirs.

7. Encourage female ambition - I love ambition in all its forms. I love dreams, and I love people who commit to theirs. Don’t tell them they can’t, tell them of course they can.

8. Bring someone in to your network, make introductions. “I think there is someone you should meet” . . .

Women supporting women & male allyship - it is an AND, not an OR.

I do want to take a quick second here to highlight that my love of women supporting women isn’t intended to replace the need for male allyship. Whilst I stand by what I’ve written that women create emotional safety for each other, they create connection, perspective and courage and all of that matters, men still hold the positions of power in many organisations. They run teams, they hold budgets, they make decisions, they influence promotions and they do shape the culture.

So whilst women supporting women gives us community, resilience, honesty and uplift, male allyship changes systems, opens doors, redistributes power and accelerates equity.

One can never replace the other - both are essential.

The next generation

As always, whilst it is important that we address these challenges for the current generation just imagine if the next generation grew up with some of these things already in place. What follows, as in all of my blogs, is a few suggestions as to how those in the position to influence the next generation can do exactly that on this topic.

Fundamentally, this is about showing the girls in your life that women don’t have to compete to succeed.

• Let them see you celebrating other women openly. Show them that another woman’s success is something to cheer.

• Encourage healthy friendships and competition - teach girls that friendships can be wide versus exclusive. Whilst we all love a bit of healthy competition ensure it is actually healthy - at a young age it should focus on improvement and growing their own skills, versus purely outperforming others. Girls need to learn to measure themselves against their own progress, which reduces comparison and builds genuine confidence.

• Model conflict resolution, not gossip. Girls learn early how women talk about each other. Show them how to disagree whilst being respectful (think about the language you use), how to disagree without making things super personal, and how to walk away from conversations that diminish other women.

• Introduce them to strong, diverse female role models. Think fictional characters, leaders, athletes, creators. I actually love the “Goodnight stories for rebel girls” books - I read them to both my son and my daughter when they were little.

• This leads me on to the fact that the boys we are raising today, become the men and leaders of tomorrow. Think about how you can expose them to how incredible women are in just the same way as you would young girls.

Imagine a future where women support women as though it is the most natural thing in the world. I see it today but we could always do with more - it all starts with us.